I never meant to fall off the face of the earth.

It's way past time for an update.  Every time I sit down to type, I either find that I am too tired to put words together (coherently) or I honestly don't know what to say.  At some point, friends do not want to hear friends "whine," so it seems better to just not say anything.  Sometimes, too, you just know that you are asking too much for people to understand impossible situations.  Along with all of that - many of the trials and burdens involve other people, and there really isn't much that can be shared in those instances. 

Since March (the trial and sentencing for Nick's mugging,) events have simply snowballed one right after the other.  We keep waiting for things to slow down so that we might breathe and process - but as of yet, they have not.  I know without a doubt that I should have been journaling thru all of these days, but I just have not been able to.  There is nothing left by the end of the day - nothing that will make sense, anyway.  :)  But there are certainly many lessons learned and much deep thinking and internal revolution, still much love and gratitude and sweet moments grasped in an effort to remember.  I wish I had been able to write it all down.

Fortunately, Emmie loves to take pictures.  That helps us to remember.

Having labored thru all of that, here are some of the basics from the past month or so.  (And a few pictures, too.)

Jeff has been back at work for a month.  His hip has healed well, but somehow in the midst of that healing his neck was injured.  He suffered a lot of pain, and as the pain subsided, his left arm and hand are numb and weak.  He's been seeing a chiropractor, but without much result.  He had an MRI of his neck today, so we hope to learn results soon.

I love Mariam's cheesy grin.

My mother had her surgery (a partial knee replacement) two weeks ago on August 26.  She stayed with us for about a week.  She has not recovered as quickly as she had hoped.  She is unable to handle much pain medication, so she has a lot of discomfort.  I took her into see her surgeon today, though, and she got her staples out and was able to throw out her white surgical stockings, so it was a good day.  She has needed a lot of care and a lot of help.

Dad, doing a controlled burn.  :)

 

He's a closet pyromaniac.

 My father's surgery (anterior hip replacement) is coming up in a week.  There are actually many appointments and a lot to do to get ready for such surgeries (and to follow up, as well.)  Dad is 12 years older than mom, but still in fairly good health other than his joints.  He is just wanting to get this done, to get it out of the way.  I am so thankful that one of my brothers and my sister will be able to be up to help out.  (They live 400+ hours away.)  By the time of the surgery I will be a little over 3 weeks away from the baby's  anticipated arrival - I just wasn't sure that I could handle 3 solid days and nights of hospital sitting at that point.  (And my mother won't be in any shape to be of help, either.)

Sam.  Part monkey...

 Which brings us to the happy topic of the baby.  I told my doctor that a new baby felt like the jewel at the end of the dark tunnel.  She happily agreed with me.  I am hoping/praying for a few quiet weeks to just sit still and "be," to enjoy the little guy and to rest a bit.  He and I are still doing great in terms of health, for which I am so thankful.  If anything, all of the craziness these past many months has kept me active and pushing forward - maybe it's kept me healthy.  I did show results of gestational diabetes, but since testing 4x daily with a glucometer I haven't had any high readings at home.  I just eat healthily and all has been well.  I still have to visit the fetal/maternal health specialist and have an ultrasound every two weeks, plus have blood titers drawn at the same interval - but other than being an annoying addition to the schedule, all is well.  Not even a hint of trouble.  I've been pleased in that I've only gained 9 lbs. thus far.  I think that has made me feel a lot better and healthier - and since I'm assured by the regular dr. and the fetal specialist that both baby and I are doing superbly - I guess that is okay.

...part actor.

 I think that's about it.  Oh, sure, I left out the parts about balancing school schedules with two surgeries (organization is key!) and kid's jobs and Jake starting college and the washer breaking down and the car breaking down and ear infections and impetigo and...and...and.  It's all...just life.

Ben:  "When life hands you dirt, enjoy it!  Make cookies or somethin'!"

 Thanks for sticking with us.  Thanks for being our friends.  Thanks for hoping and praying and rejoicing and weeping with us over these months.  God is with us.  He is bringing us thru.  He is carrying us when we don't think we can go on due to tiredness or discouragement.  He is (hopefully) maturing us and increasing what we are able to handle.  We are being drawn together as a family.  He is our Friend that stays close thru difficult times and lifts our heads for better days ahead.  May He be very real to you in the same ways!

This is school at our house.

School looks like this

for my high school students.

There are two of them.

They are greatly outnumbered.

(Good scholars!)

The lone middle schooler moves

outdoors:  Science, handwriting, math...

with a pumpkin holding down the page.

(That's not dirt on the table...it's paint from 

the time we built a ziggurat!)

After a reading lesson for the kindergarten kid,

the toddler quickly discards her princess dress and sparkly shoes...

 because we watered the carrots so we could pull them and

it was the first nice (not scorchingly hot)

day we've had in a long time

and sometimes little boys (and girls too) just

want to play in the mud.

And their mommy says, 

"Well...why not?"

Today, unlike most days, she can't think of a single good reason.

(She decides to classify it under a "Montessori-type" heading.)

Mud washes off,

first in the wading pool 

and second in the bathtub.

School was "had," 

reading, writing, 'rithmatic included.

And everyone, even the mommy, was very happy.

We - the Johnson Family - wish all of our friends and loved ones

a good school year - full of love, happiness, exitement over learning,

and maybe even a little mud.

And just like that, we have a name.

 Large families are a mystery to many.  Some people can't imagine how we could name so many children.  We have struggled with a name for son number 6, baby number 9, but we have finally come up with a name.

After months of deliberations, here's how it went down.

Thanks to my brother, Jeff and I had a gift card to a restaurant.  (I include that part so that my brother can feel good about his role in this.)

We bribed the older kids to watch the youngers, and made the drive to the city. 

I knew that I wanted to talk about baby names.  It was time to nail this down.  Jeff just thought he was going to have a quiet supper, where he didn't have to cut anyone's meat or jump up to give refills.

We sat down.  We ordered. 

I pulled a piece of paper and pen out of my purse and said, "Okay.  It's time.  What are we going to name this child?"  I expected this process to take a good chunk of our time.

My husband is a quiet, laid back man.  (Mostly.)

He said, "Well, what are the names we have talked about.  Remind me of the ones we both said we would be okay with."

I wrote them down, there were two.  I said them outloud.  I said them in order.  They sounded good.  They fit.

He nodded his head and said, "I can live with that."

And that was that.  Our son has a name, and since that time I've enjoyed bonding with the little guy that is rolling and kicking and making me miserable.

I was worried that we wouldn't come up with a name that we would love.  I needn't have worried.  I love this child, and I love this name.

Sorry, but it's a secret for about 8 more weeks.  I know that's cruel - but that's the way it is.  :)

After all the struggle, it was that easy.  Just like that, and we have a name.

After three months, it's back to work!

Today, Jeff did something that he's not done in three months.  He went back to work.

After a close call with death, after months of ups and downs, after worries and hopefulness - he's back at his job as a family counselor/social worker for a private social services agency.  When I spoke with him at noon - he had already been assigned 8 cases.  It doesn't appear that he will have any down-time easing back into the schedule.

He's been struggling these last few weeks with a very tender disk in his neck and a sore shoulder.  It keeps him up a lot at night.  His last surgery went so well and we were so hopeful that he could recover and bounce back quickly.  He did recover from the surgery, but it seems his spine was quite affected from the various surgeries/recoveries.  (If you've ever heard traditional hip replacement surgery described, how they have to pull the leg back behind the body and all - it makes sense.  They have new methods now, but that's not what he had.)  Regardless, it was time for him to head back to work, and we are praying for a quick healing of his pain issues.

Time for a little rumination, I think.  We've been through a lot, learned much, been reminded of many things.  I've hesitated to share some of it, not wanting to be misunderstood and not quite trusting myself to adequately frame my thoughts.  I've realized that I don't share my thoughts well in the midst of a trial, and along with that, there simply hasn't been time.  Some of our lessons have been difficult, and some time, I'd like to tell you about those.  For today, though, I want to recount the good things.  I hope that you will be encouraged, too.

For starters, my husband is still alive.  One of my biggest fears has always been losing first my husband, and then, any one of my children.  I've never been sure that I could survive that.  God has dealt with me so strongly regarding fear in this past year:  We have had so many brushes with death - Sam, Nick, Jeff - any one of these beloved ones could have been taken from me, from us, with a slight twisting of circumstances.  After Nick's attack and trial and Sam's accident, my heart was not sure that it could handle any more.  I begged God for a good year.  All the while He was continuing to knock down my propensity to fear.  (If only you knew how much fear controlled almost every minute of my life...)  And then, Jeff's illness.  It was allowed.  For whatever reason, God allowed a horrible, devastating bacteria to take up residence in his body and blood-stream - which took him to the brink and carried those of us who loved him along for a wild ride.  I wanted to put up some pictures from those early hospital days - but as I searched through them, I realized that there are very few I can share.  He was so sick.

I sat in the emergency room that first night, watching his intense pain, and at that point knew...knew that no matter what, we would be okay, and that God would be with us.   I sat at his side - thinking of him and thinking of our new baby growing that most others didn't even know about yet.  I wondered if he would be around to know this child.  Would I have to name it all alone?  I was numb, tired, certainly full of hope but not full of guarantees.  I know that I have mentioned this before, but one of my dearest friends lost her husband to this very thing.  I'd brought her home from the hospital, seen her raw pain and sorrow over the years as she mourned her husband and struggled to raise three young children alone.  I knew the worst that could happen.  I couldn't pretend.  Jeff later confided to me that he always knew that one day he would walk this same road - that he would battle the same disease.  I knew it too.  Neither one of us knew the outcome.  We just had to go through it, endure with hope of eternity intact but no guarantees for life here and now. But as I sat there - although I felt no certain warmth or assurance - I knew that God would be enough.  He'd still be God, regardless of outcome.

 He's smiling, but my heart is in my throat, here. 

Obviously, our story turned out happily.  I wish that it did for everyone.  Why us and not others?  I can't answer that.  I am still overcome with gratitude, though, when I consider what happened.  God took my greatest fears, fear in the flesh:  full of sweat and blood and fever and infection and pain and woundedness - and allowed me to love and care for and clean and cry and pray and trust.  He had me stare nasty, soul-stealing fear in the face and I relented:  I trusted no matter the outcome.  After the fact, I doubted my faith.  But no, faith was not gone, it was very alive.  Faith means trusting God with the big picture, in the over all.  It means trusting Him even when things don't end like you want them to.  My faith needed to be redefined, and it was.

In addition, we learned that the Body of Christ is alive and well.  God's body - in the form of imperfect Christians through all times, cultures and backgrounds - works very well when He speaks into individual hearts and minds.  He is the catalyst - and we've experienced the work and the gifts of His feet and hands.  God's body - His Church - took care of us.  It has been a breath-taking and humbling thing to be a part of.  There was no one church, no one denomination or background that has helped out.  Most never knew that the other existed.  No one ever asked what we would do in return.  Over and over and over we have heard or read this message: " This gift is from God.  He told me to send it.  He wants you to know that He loves you."  And after the last few years, those are the words we needed most to hear.  It is one thing to know with your intellect that God loves you and really does care about you - but another to believe it with your heart.  He soothed our hearts with His words.  It wasn't because we have been so faithful nor so faith-filled.  It came not because of anything we deserved.  All of the love and care and prayers and concern came because God called and people answered - His people, from the full spectrum of our lives.   What could have been a devastating episode in our lives was instead full of love, mercy, and grace.  We, and our children, have seen the Body, the Kingdom, in action - exactly as it is supposed to work - and we'll be forever humbled and mindful of the power of God.  It's easy to get discouraged about the state of the Church today - but if you had experienced what we have, you wouldn't.  It's alive, and powerful, and transcends all apparent chaos and divisions.  It flows like an underground river, waiting to bubble to the surface and flood our lives and our world.

Painting the little boy's room, post-surgery

So, the kids and I prepare for our new school year.  Cleaning (perpetual....), sorting, supplies, curriculum.   It's a different routine without Jeff here in the day-time.  We still have a few difficult months coming up as we prepare for two more surgeries (my parents,) and then the always joyous (but tiring) time of adjusting to a new baby.  I'm so glad the baby awaits us in October - what an exciting thing to wind down summer and to look forward to.  :)

Thank you, for your part and for your trials in tears and prayers on our behalf.  You've been a part of the exciting and powerful undercurrent that is the coming Kingdom of God as you've travailed with us.  May you, too, know His love and His strength.

Thinking about baby names

We are thinking, thinking, thinking....about baby boy names.

We're stumped. 

Some of you may remember that in the past, God has given us the names for our children before they were born.  (Some of you may think that's crazy, but it's true.)  We knew, in our hearts, the names for our last four children.

This time, God seems to be saying, "Hey.  You're on your own with the name this time."

I think we've forgotten how to do that.

Jeff and I generally agree on most things, but I've been shocked to learn that we don't like the names the other picks out. 

I'll suggest a perfectly great name.  He wrinkles his nose.  "Meh..."

He suggests a name, and I can think of a dozen reasons WHY I don't like his choice.

I'm learning that I'm picky.  I don't like soft sounds for boys, or certain letter combinations.  I won't even consider some beginning letters, I skip right over E, F and G (among others) on the baby name websites.  But at least I can give a good reason for why I don't like a name.  Sometimes it's because I've known too many people with that particular name.

I've taken to looking specifically through baby names from other countries, since we can't seem to find any within our own culture.

Some people think it's because we have so many boys that we can't come up with yet another name.  That's not it at all.  We just can't agree.

I asked our resident 2 year old what she thought we should name our new baby.  She thought, she got excited, she said, "Ummmm....I think.....we should.....call him........BABY!"

Big help.

Our other children are also "helpful."  They can come up with dozens of names...but none of them are serious and none of them are acceptable.

Examples:

Beo  Wolf
Hal Shar Ha Al Shaz Baz
The Peaceful Noodle
Tubal Cain
Curious George

When it comes right down to it, if we have no name by baby's birth date, I will remind them that I carried him and that I will nurse him for a year or more. 

It's a pretty good trump card.

Reason #2094 that I'm glad I'm a mom.

 There are little bits of joy lying around my days that make me say, "I'm glad I'm a mom." 

A well-loved, bedraggled, stuffed ducky napping on a mattress of dinner rolls, covered with a paper-towel blankie?    Yeah.  That's something that I spy, unexpectedly, that brings definite delight.

Baby Talk

Here he is.

Depending upon how you look at it, 3-D ultrasound pictures can look scary, or really neat.  :)

Having ultrasounds every two weeks is new for me.  I've had ultrasounds before, but usually just one per pregnancy.  I've always seen the basic outline pictures, recognized a nose or a chin - but I've never been able to see a little one so clearly before it is born.  Although I tend to think that 3-D ultrasounds look a little bit like a clay sculpture (that need a little smoothing out,) it certainly is a neat feature.  I feel like I will really know and recognize this baby by the time he arrives.

Even though I have frequent ultrasounds to check for blood velocity in the baby's brain, all is well.  Were we to try to graph problematic antigen levels, we could not.  Antigen levels are flat, and hopefully, they'll stay that way throughout.  With just 11 or so weeks to go, it looks like things will be just fine.

Baby boy looks a lot like our 5th son Ben to me.  All of the pictures have a little distortion/blurring around his lip, but the ultrasound tech says that's just because the cord crosses in front of his face and casts a type of shadow. 

The baby is a little bigger than average at this point, weighing around 2.4 lbs.   A good portion of that just might be cheeks.  The tech even said, "Wow.  He has chubby cheeks for this stage of the game!"   I'll tell you what, *I* feel plenty big.  So, maybe I'm growing a big boy.  We'll see.

In other family news, Jeff is slated to return to his work as a family counselor for a private social services agency August 3.  His healing from the last surgery has gone well, but he ended up with an irritated vertebrae in his neck that has probably bothered him even more than the surgery did.  He's had trouble sleeping and moving, so he has been visiting a chiropractor, hoping to have more flexibility before he returns to work.

My mother is having knee replacement surgery in August, and my father is having his hip joint replaced in September.  The baby is due in October.   Yes.  I know.  Crazy.  :)

As always, thanks for stopping by.  I have not given up on blogging, there's just been a million things that demand my attention right now.  I hope to see you all around!

God bless you -

Surgery update

Hi everyone,

Jeff's surgery went well.  The surgeon (who wears his emotions easily) was beaming when he came to find me in the waiting room.  (I remember the moments following the first surgery so well - he was sweating and concerned and certain that he had done his best - but uncertain as to the outcome.)  This time was very different, in that he was pleased with the interior condition of Jeff's hip joint.  I believe that he feels confident that he has been able to save the resurfaced joint.  That's such a great thing, as the alternative would have been a total hip replacement.  ( If I seem like I repeat myself - it's just that I'm aware of friends who have recently found me online, and I'm not sure how caught up they are on current things.)

When I posted yesterday, it was under the assumption that the surgery would be a fairly simple procedure of a 3-4 inch opening over scar tissue to remove 14 cement antibiotic beads.  When we visited the surgeon, he told us otherwise.  What happened, instead, was that the entire 10" scar was re-opened, the hip prosthetic was taken completely apart and washed and scrubbed (again,) and then was doused with an antibiotic powder.  It's a much more intensive surgery and thus healing process than we had counted on.  It's major joint surgery all over again.  (That's three for the count.)

That was disappointing, and yet, he seems to be doing pretty well.  He came out of anesthesia pretty hard, and is sleepy, but that all falls within the realm of normal.

That's about all I know as of this point in time.  I'll update if anything changes.

Thanks for your interest, concerns, and prayers.  They are all appreciated!

Sweet days, busy days

Sweet days, busy days, indeed.

Things have been so busy here that I have not even had time to update.  It's been on my list for several days, but it is difficult to squeeze in blogging or facebook time.

Jeff has the surgery to remove the cement beads from his hip joint tomorrow.  The week has been full, beginning with a needle aspiration of the fluid around the joint to test for infection.  No results on that yet, we should know soon, I would think.  Today, we meet with the surgeon to finalize tomorrow's plan.  Either way, infection or not, the beads have to come out.  They've done all they are going to do.

He'll have a short hospital stay of a day or two, then hopefully come home for a heal time of 2 to 3 weeks.  After that, he should be able to head back to his work as a family counselor for a private social services agency.

Things appear good on the baby front.  Baby boy is growing well, showing no signs at this point of anemia.  I'm scheduled for bloodwork and ultrasound every two weeks, which feels intensive to me, but a talk with the fetal/maternal health specialist yesterday convinced me that they do believe it is necessary.  (My blood carries a big E antigen.)  The due date is sometime in the first half of October - with this type of problem, they often opt to induce, and that can fall within a three-week time frame depending on how the baby is doing at the time.   I'm at 25/26 weeks.

My parents are still working through the process of joint replacement surgeries:  A hip for my dad and a knee for my mom.  They hope to get those surgeries in before we have the baby. 

We were recently able to get together with Jeff's family.  That's a pretty big feat as most of them are scattered geographically.  We only see his parents about once a year, and I think they were pretty anxious to see their son.  They've prayed a lot and worried some, too, over the past few months.  It was great to spend time with everyone.

Thanks for stopping by - feel free to say hello!  :)  I'll try to update here once we know how Jeff's surgery went, if the infection is gone, etc.

God bless you all!

PICC line coming out tomorrow!

Wow, the days do fly by!  I keep thinking that I'll hop on and type a quick update - yet the days pass without actually taking the time to do so.  I'll remedy that right now.  :)

Jeff is doing okay.  He's been home from the hospital for a week and a half now - and tomorrow, he is supposed to have his PICC line taken out.  ( That stands for Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter.) 

(A definition:  It is long, slender, small, flexible tube that is inserted into a peripheral vein, typically in the upper arm, and advanced until the catheter tip terminates in a large vein in the chest near the heart to obtain intravenous access. It is similar to other central lines as it terminates into a large vessel near the heart.  In Jeff's case, it delivered antibiotics several times a day directly into his blood stream.)

 Jeff is...ecstatic....to have the PICC line taken out.  No more (hopefully) wrapping his arm in plastic and tape to take a shower.  :)  Many, many people deal with PICC lines as just a regular part of their lives (and much more), so I'm not trying to over-emphasize any discomfort here.  He's just happy and hopeful, after 8 weeks, to say goodbye to a useful annoyance.  :)

As I mentioned at first, he is doing okay.  He still gets tired very easily.  His strength is not yet fully regained.  (Although - If you are one of his relatives or another guy, then, well....he will tell you that he is all hale and hearty.  Grin.) His mobility still has a way to go to be fully restored.  Really, though, he *is* doing well.  It's just slow.  He's had two major blood infections to come back from.  I'd imagine that takes some time.


Jeff has another surgery scheduled for the first week in July, during which time they will open his hip back up and remove the cement beads that were laced with antibiotics.  That will involve a brief hospital stay (hopefully brief???) and after that time there will be another recovery period.  Prior to the surgery they will do a needle aspiration of his hip.  (Does the thought of that make your stomach wiggly?  It does mine!  Big, long needles going into a person's joint make me squeamish.)  That will tell the surgeon if the infection is indeed eradicated from the hip.  


This has been a hard time - but it's not without its' good as well.  The kids and I have LOVED having him home.  He's been able to see how our days go and I've been eager to solicit his advice on how to make things run more smoothly.  I always need help with that!


As always, thanks for your love and prayers - I'll update again following the surgery or before, if anything changes.


God be with you all,


Holly