File this one under lessons from our children

 Dear Daddies and Mamas,

Let us never assume that we have the corner on teaching, that our children are given to us specifically so that they may learn from our vast stores of knowledge.

 I like to think I've journeyed far in my Christian faith.
Sometimes I even toy with the idea that I've got wisdom, that if these kids would just pay attention, they will learn so much from me.

I am humbled tonight, yes....again, this far in to parenting....
by a ten-year-old boy too sweet to have come from under my hardened and complaining heart.

From his feverish sickbed on the couch, my Josiah talks with me as I work thru my own stomach pain and pick up stray kleenex and kicked-off socks.

"You know, I'm thankful, Mom.  I really am....for lots of things."  And he makes a list:  the couch he is laying on, a mama to take care of him, movies to watch, medicine and cold water.

I think I stop and stare, a little discombobulated from the daze and the last few days with hardly any sleep.  I am definitely not thankful.  In fact, I've already run so far from thankful that I'm contemplating the goodness of God over a simple flu.  (Sleep-deprivation is not something I handle well.) 

He softens me, this boy who was a gift himself; in his own weakness he reflects his Father's glory with a pure and simple act of thanksgiving.
I may be the mama, but I have far to go and much, still, to learn.  He didn't get this gratitude from me - it came from his own heart which is turned in love toward God.


*these photos are recycled from several years ago.  I don't think any of us are up to taking/uploading pictures right now.  Ah well, you've seen one bad flu, you've seen them all.  Things look much prettier in photographs.

Identity

It is very popular online to choose a word or a theme for the new year.

I think that I will join in.  :)

My word for 2012 - the word that the Lord seems to be impressing upon my heart as personally important, is IDENTITY.

The forties are proving to be an interesting decade.  I like them.  (I certainly like them better than the alternative.)  Of course there are things I don't like about being over forty years of age, but mostly, it is a satisfying stage of life.  I'm sure you've heard it before, but it truly does feel as if you begin to fit into your own self.  You start to define what is really "you," as opposed to what you've picked up from others.  You begin to drop burdens that weren't yours to carry all long; but to pick up others that were.  Your responsibilities fit.

To that end, "Identity."

I have struggled throughout my life to know who I am.  I've pulled my security and station from family (husband and children, brothers and sisters, parents) or from church, or theology, or shakily enough, from friends.

This is natural, I think, particularly for a stay-at-home mother.  It is wrong, though, and I've likely been one of the most insecure people you've ever met - and that is because I was drawing my security from the wrong source.

We are each supposed to be who we were fully meant to be through Christ.  We are to identify with Him, first.

I am not a wife first, I am a Christian.
I am not a mother first, I am a Christian.
I am not an American first, I am a Christian.
I am not a daughter or sister first, I am a Christian.

If I am a Christ-follower first, and I find my confidence and security in my relationship with God through the gift of Jesus Christ, then I will not label myself nor become discouraged and defeated with myself when I struggle or fail in any of my human relationships.  I will realize that my worth does not come from these relationships (as precious as they are....) but that thru Christ I have the promise of renewal and redemption and forgiveness and hope that I can begin again and the Holy Spirit lives in me to help me in my weaknesses.

When I seek to find and establish my identity in Christ, my relationships will naturally be blessed by the overflow.  I will be a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, sister, and citizen. 

But Christ is first - over everything.

If you pray for me in 2012, this is a good place to begin - that I might know Him better and find my IDENTITY in Him.  Is there a word or a way that I might pray for you? 

The year that was: Provision

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4


Jeff came home.  We settled him into a recliner in the living room.  It was more comfortable for his hip joint than a bed.   He was incredibly weak at first, walking with a walker, tiring easily.  Over time, he gained appetite and strength again, and with a regular regimen of antibiotics through his PICC line, he began to improve.

We began to get cards in the mail.  One of the very first letters we received was from a dear friend of ours who had been widowed.  She wrote words that we needed to hear, words that we would cling to in days to come:  Jesus told me to tell you this:  He loves you.  He cares for you."  That card was the first, but the message was repeated many times over.

"God loves you.  God told us to send this to you.  God cares for you."  What amazing and beautiful words to us through difficult times.  We read the cards to the children.  We let them look through them, let them see how God was taking care of them - in spite of their parents' fears and skepticism.  At times we truly stood and in the midst of pain and fevers and doctors' visits - beheld the goodness of the Lord.  He did not remove the pain nor the tough times - but He let us know that He was with us.  That was the most important thing.

We had been worried about finances.  God began to provide for those, too.  He must have been nudging some hearts, because people that we didn't even know began to show up, sending gifts in cards, helping us through a horrible time.  God's people came through, and it was just enough.  There was not excess, we did not head to Disneyworld, we did not waste it, we still had huge medical bills, we still lived simply and carefully - but there was enough to get by day to day.

Our larger city homeschooling groups brought food:  Canned goods, noodles, paper towels, shampoo.  Our small, local community of homeschooling friends gave so generously to us.  They brought us meals for a month, I think.  Online friends - some of you (!) gave to help us through. My brother's church in Georgia undertook to pay a large portion of the surgeon's bill.

Our home was paid for.  (Remember?  We bought this place for $16,000?  I was so discouraged at the time at this old house - yet another old home that needed remodeling - but can you imagine how thankful we were that we owned our home free and clear and would not lose it through illness and inability to work?)  Our vehicles were paid for.   Jeff did not receive a paycheck for three months, and there was no short term disability available. The Lord provided enough to cover our insurance payments, which Jeff's workplace did not cover while he was unemployed.

I get soggy-eyed as I stroll back through time, remembering.

God carried us.  He carried us through his people.  It is so easy to get discouraged about the state of the church, but we have experienced the very best of God's network of believers.  There was such love, and unity, and coordination - without any human coordinator.  It was God at work.

Our mission commitments were paid by a friend.  That meant that the missionaries who rely on us for support did not have to do without while we were down and out.  Anonymous donors paid for our children to go on stateside mission trips.

We were never left alone - not even for one minute.  That does not mean it was not hard.  That does not mean that we did not stare at death and disease, nor that I did not worry myself silly-sick, because I did.  There was still a very long road ahead.

But our God?

He delivered us.  He walked with us, and carried us.  Sometimes we get to really see that, to feel it.  Other times, He carries us, and we don't realize it until much, much later, when we can breathe again.

This is just part of our story, of course.  Many Believers have different stories, with different endings.  Not everything turns out well in this life.  Everyone of us will eventually face difficult times, times which will either strengthen us or threaten to destroy us.   For a time, I was not certain of what our outcome would be - strength, or destruction.  Every story, though, has the same theme woven throughout - as Christians we can find hope again in the God who carries us, in the God who turns what was meant for evil to good, and in the only God who longs to bring  healing and restoration to our human situations.

Coming up:  a second infection and hospitalization

God Wins. Simple eschatology from an ordinary housewife.

I had a recent epiphany that warmed me as understanding spread - "how to live peacefully in the midst of crazy times?" 

How not to go over the edge with panic over a million things?  How not to grow hardened and cynical, how to avoid becoming a part of the angry, raging crowd that seems to grow larger by the day?

My husband has said it to me before over the years, but I did not fully realize it until now.

In the end, it comes down to grasping one simple thing. 

God wins.

At times like these, when it seems that everyone is tense with worry and fear; when famine, tornadoes, earthquakes, faltering economies and nuclear meltdowns have dominated the calendar - it is essential to see the big picture, to keep this perspective in mind:

God wins.

We look ahead, through the struggles, the questions, the tears...and as we blink to see, we understand that God wins.

The book of Revelation was written so that we would not put our trust in Government, nor in gold, nor in a peaceful society, nor in the stock market.  It was not written so that we would count the days and be tied in knots over time tables and dramatic imagery guaranteed to strike fear into our hearts.  It was written to give us peace, to give us hopeful perserverance that one day - God wins.

Fear does a horrible thing in the human life.  It debilitates, it freezes, it makes us angry and hateful.  Fear steals - it steals our joy and our hope and our peace.   Fear drives us to focus on ourselves rather than on the things of God and His working in the world today.  It even steals our desire to do anything today that would make tomorrow better.  What's the point, anyway?

If we live by the stock market or the economic forecast, our peace will quickly turn to panic and our inability to physically prepare for what may or may not come.

If we look to government for our peace, we become angry and exasperated, not just with our leaders but with each other.

Sunny skies and good weather and good crops can not bring us peace - the weather is a petulant two year old prone to tantrums.

Starving children, rain that does not fall, spouses that are not faithful, earth that shakes, gas prices, food indexes, health care systems, disease....death....

One day, these things will be made right.

This is how we endure, how we hope, how we have peace in our hearts through troubled times.

God Wins.  Good wins.  Evil falls, is trampled, overcome.  We hurt, we mourn through this night, but joy is promised in the morning of the Resurrection, when God will restore what the worm has eaten and the locust has destroyed.

When fearful, know this.  God triumphs!  He makes all things new!  He restores, he redeems, he heals our wounds and our diseases.  Not always now, but sometimes now, and if not now, someday, certainly.  He is only good, and fully good.  He is only just, He is only loving. 

When broken-hearted over what you have seen or lived through, lift up your head .  Redemption is near!

When paralyzed because all seems hopeless, get up and do the next thing.  You can live with joy and purpose, you can take heart and have great hope - even in terribly difficult situations - because there is a God, and in the final analysis of future things (eschatology,) He wins. 

Something good is coming...

My little Sam has a birthday coming up.

Seven.

He's taken to worrying that he might not have presents.  He can't relax and trust that there is something good going on behind the scenes.

I've never missed a single one of his birthdays; he's never lacked a cake nor gifts, for that matter.  Even in the toughest of times, there would be something.    Last year, it was a cheeky little monkey, hand-sewn and redone several times to his specifications.  The eyes are glass and look like real and the tail was crocheted into a curl, just for him - just to let him know how special he is and how unique and how beloved.  And yet - he can't seem to find peace that we are working for his good, that we have his best in mind, that we won't let him down.

He almost seems to feel the need to do it himself - as if he is responsible to provide it all, as if how it all turns out rests upon his scrawny thirty-five pound frame.

I analyze this and realize this anxiety is genetic.  He gets this from me, not from his father.  His father snores lightly at night while I wake to wrestle with the "what if" and the "how should we" and the "we can'ts."

Sam will be fine.  This will work out and he will be reassured when the day comes.  He will remember that he is loved, that he is never forgotten.  He can relax - the ones who gave him life won't fail him. It is not up to him to make the future celebration happen.

I think there's not much difference between a seven year old and me, and the rest of us who are called children of God.  Sometimes slowly, day upon day, sometimes quickly, in great leaps and bounds, God's faithfulness is proven and we learn...

Trust.

Faith.

There is something good coming.

That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him."   I Corinthians 2:9 NLT

The mission field is all around us...

The kids and I have spent this week the same way as many other Midwestern small-town families:  we processed corn for freezing.  Yes, I have a corn-cutter, but I don't like to use it.  I'm tired of emergency rooms - the knife seems safer to me, and I'm quite familiar with it.

We are so blessed, and we know this.  A 90-something year old cousin of my mother's just can't stop growin' corn.  He also can't stop giving it away.  Every year I simply guess at his age, but I'm never sure I'm right, so I have given up trying.  I know he's over ninety, and he's generous with his corn.

This year it was only my youngest five at home to help shuck the four large garbage bags full of ears of corn.  My oldest three have jobs in the community.  When our seven year old neighbor girl stopped by to play, we talked her into helping too.  Just  five young ones and me out in the yard, peeling husks from the corn.  (Gabe just isn't any help at all at 9 months of age....)  It's hot, and the silks cling everywhere - but it was nice too.  We talked about a lot of things like school, and how her daddy lost another job, how they don't have enough food to feed their cats (that's okay....we already feed them...), and, well, all of the heavy things on a seven year old heart.

God brings the mission field to us, doesn't he?  Isn't there always someone who needs to see Jesus in us, someone who needs his love - through us?   Is this how you find it, as well?

It seems to me that I can't plan it - it's as natural as can be.  We simply live, and walk, and go about our daily lives, and we look up, and there someone is, needing to see Him, through us.  Physical, financial, emotional, spiritual - there are so many ways that we may help.  If we pray for wisdom, he will let us know what is needed most.  God pours himself into our lives, and we turn right around and pour the overflow right back into the life of another.  There is nothing misappropriated in God's economy.

Jesus Satisfies

I'm fairly fond of my sweet tooth; I like to feed it regularly.

I gave my sweet tooth to Jesus, though,

gave it right away for Lent.

I've never observed Lent before,

except to partake of the Paczki the day before it begins.

I'm not a heathen, exactly,

it's just that my faith background did not include Lent.

I was always secretly relieved

to be an unobservant evangelical. 

This year, I have read more and studied more, and I desired to connect myself more deeply with a Christian observance which is meant to draw me closer to Christ; to allow me to repent, to savor, to express gratitude, to think about Him

and worship Him when I feel the pangs of wanting what I want.

I have friends from other religions who are very observant of fasts and special prayer times.  Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed that I've never been serious enough about this Faith I think I hold so dear - to deny myself much of anything.

I'm only two weeks into the forty day experience, and I'm not very good about sticking with things; but I'm going to hang with this small deprivation.

I have learned a few things about sugar, namely, that I have used it in various emotional ways in my life.  Sometimes it soothes me (the equivalent of an emotional pacifier.)  Sometimes it is a reward at the end of the day (for surviving nine kids.)

But surprisingly, sugar is something I have used to fulfill me, to make the meal seem complete.  Without sugar, I feel craving - something is just not right.  I don't feel addicted, but just that something is missing.

When I feel the hunger for something sweet,  I have been able to offer that "wanting" to God.I am tempted to want to fill it with something else, to replace it with a "fake" sweetener.  But I don't.  I don't want to replace the hunger for God with something empty.  Instead, I lift it up, and say, "this hunger is for You,"and "I find my fulfillment in You." At those times, I am reminded to pray for those in need, for those I've promised to pray for. It's a very trivial denial,but it serves its purpose. It draws me into the life of Christ, reminds me of His suffering and the LIFE He came to give. And in those times,I know it in my own spirit:   

Jesus satisfies.

(The pictures are from Gabe's first bites of solid foods at 5 and a half months.  It's a thin sauce I made from cooked pears - and he thought it was okay.  I don't usually begin solids for babies until a little bit later, but he has been very interested in our food and utensils so we gave it a try.)