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Showing posts with label mothering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mothering. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I Chose You

(Here's a blast from the past - five years ago now, but just as true today.)

This is for every woman who ever chose a child over other options.


I could have had more time,
more house,
more room.
I chose you.

benblue

I could have had more money,
more things,
dinners out…
I chose you.

dino

More me,
More sleep,
more freedom;
I chose you.

cry

Less mess,
less cooking,
less laundry;
I chose you.

mess

Less school,
less PBS,
less PBJ;
I chose you.

emmie

Because of you,
I have MORE.
More love,
more memories,
more smiles,
more delight,
more joy.

Where would I be without you?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Children's clothing, a "sensitive" subject.


My little Mariam is extremely sensitive to various types of clothing.  She's always been this way, even when she was tiny.  She'd fuss and pull at things I thought looked adorable and wanted her to wear.  I sighed and tucked away many outfits that she outgrew without even giving them a second chance.

You know the type.  Her socks have to be perfectly aligned along the toe, all tags need to be cut out.  She hates even soft pants that have even the slightest flow around her leg - she fusses and says they are "all floppy."  She will take thirty minutes trying to find a pair of underwear that seem "just right," and misses a lot of outdoor play because she is attempting to find the absolutely perfect combination of shirt/pants/underwear/socks/coat/hat/mittens/shoes to wear.

When I pulled out her fall/winter clothing, I set aside everything that I thought would give her fits.   I limited her choices, but gave her clothes I thought she could "live" with.   She loves to wear dresses, and I'm fine with that, except for the fact that I want her to be warm in the winter.  So in her drawer I left her favorite soft dresses and some leggings that come to just the right place (and tightness) on her ankle.  It's worked pretty well, and I accept that these are her sensitivities and she may or may not outgrow all of them.  I just don't want her missing so much life because of clothing issues.

One of the hardest things has been trying to get many small children out of the house when one is so particular.  If I give her too much time, she will change her clothing several times, end up with something that does not match remotely (at home I don't care,) and still not be ready when it is time to go.  (The last minute shrieking over shoes can really wear a mama down....)  Since I am aware of her sensitivities, I have been trying a new tactic.  When it is almost time to go, I help her get ready last.  I choose her outfit. 

She doesn't really like this, but honestly, if we wait for her to choose and get ready on her own we will be an hour late to everything.  I am careful to only choose things I believe to fit her basic proclivities, and then, don't allow too much fussing.  It's just the way it is, Squinky.  You've got to get dressed and this is what you're wearing and no, you can't throw a fit, it won't do you any good.  She is coming to accept this well, but with a caveat.  She wants me to assure her that she can change her clothes when she gets home.

I am okay with that.  It sounds like a good compromise to me.

So, that first picture above is what happens as soon as we hit the door and re-enter our home.  That is a little Mariam clothing pile, coat, shoes, socks and all.  She doesn't talk about it, she just remembers how things are and within five minutes I know what to expect.

Sometimes, parenting means finding a compromise everyone can live with.  I win on some things - such as wearing something other than a slip and Snow White slippers outside in the winter, and she wins at other times, as long as she is warm and covered.  It's a Win-Win situation, with much less last-minute stress and trauma for everyone.

The picture below?  Well, obviously this is a much better choice, don't you think?  (That is a pajama shirt, covered by a Tinkerbell-type dress, with a winter hat tied around the waist.)
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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Parenting with humility


I hold my boy,
Ben,
on my lap
right before his bedtime.
Daddy is calling that "It's time for a Bible Story!"
so I've got just one more minute.
One more minute to feel his weight in my arms,
to examine his bug bites and scrapes from the day's play,
a moment more to notice how well-defined his muscles and feet have become
as they dangle at my shins.

"You've grown, Ben-boy!"
"Yup!"
Someday, you'll be bigger than mama.  Did you realize that?"
"Mmm-hmmm."
Someday, you'll be as big as daddy and Jake and Nick?
You'll be able to carry me, like I'm holding you, if you needed to.
Isn't that amazing?
Ben nods, happy at the thought of growing.

I squeeze him one more time,
stamping the memory upon my heart
of a sweet little boy that I can still hold on my lap.
My mind flashes ahead thru the years to the day that he may, indeed,
carry me
thru infirmity
or hold my hand down the stairs
like I sometimes do
for my own mama and daddy.

Knowing that someday
we will switch roles
makes me parent
with
humility.




One year pictures...and, just conversation


Thanks for all of your suggestions,
both on-line and in-life.
I'm so glad you took the time
to stop by or to write me a note.
I'll take them to heart
and see what works.
I will say that I'm not very good at "how-to" posts
regarding parenting, usually,
because each family is different
and each child is unique.
I think it is up to the parent to
learn who their child is as an individual,
and parent accordingly.
That's actually one our jobs, to know our children
and then to guide them according to how God created them!
There are also a million parenting how-to blogs available. 
I can point you to several if you wish.  :)
But I am happy to open my heart and doors
and windows and share with you things that have worked
(or not worked....) with my children and our family.



We've been busy around here
with company over the weekend.
I'm a lousy hostess, actually -
always have been.
I enjoy company but stress waaay too much
before they come.  It was a great weekend 
filled with good conversation.  We don't get to see Jeff's side 
of the family very much, so we were thrilled to
spend time with his brother Donnie and his wife, Shelley.
Their children are grown, but they were gracious to put up with our clan.  :)
I get kind of giddy when I have real, actual grown-ups
who are captive in my house. 
I may or may not talk too much.  :)
My Dad is getting ready to have another surgery, too,
so there is some preparation for that.


(Had to include this one.  :)  Love the expression on his face.  
He was sooo done.  Can't believe my little man is one year old.

Gabe still has eyes that are two different colors.
I wonder if they'll stay that way?  I'll have to let you know...
He's a pretty big boy, around 23 pounds.  That's bigger 
than most of my children at this age.
He's into EVERYTHING, I'm thinking he's going to be a climber, too.
Life is about to get hard FUN!  :)


Thursday, September 22, 2011

The year that was: My father's surgery, part 1

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8

(I know that I am posting quickly now, maybe it is too much for you to read right now.  Maybe you don't want to read it at all.  :)  That's okay.  I never look at my blog stats and I never know who is reading.  I am just compelled to finish telling this story.  I want to write it down and move on.  Most people who read here know me in real life, or else we've been friends online for years.  Don't feel bad if you can't read it all right now, maybe you'll find time later.  It's all okay with me, it's just something I've got to do.  I'll probably post the next part later today, even, while I have time, and then not post for a few days.  Saturday is my father's 87th birthday.)

The three weeks after my mother's surgery passed all too quickly.  We were balancing my frequent ultrasounds with mom's therapies, care, and doctor's visits with preparation for my father's surgery.

On the morning of the surgery, it was just me and Pop.  My mother should not have been left alone, as she was still in much pain and was having trouble keeping her medications straight.  My oldest son was working, and I needed the second two eldest to watch our little ones for me.  I would be away from dawn to close to midnight.  There was no one to stay with her, so we made sure she had the phone at her side.  She was able to get up and get herself around, minimally.  I was so worried about her, worried about the kids, just plain overwhelmed and worried, really.  I'd worked hard to have things ready at the house for the kids, too:  food, laundry, things to do.

It was the perfect storm of a youngest child caring for parents who were already older when they had her.  I know that my situation really isn't all that unique.  So many people care for their elderly parents and try to juggle work, life, children, and maybe medical situations of their own.  I've been extremely humbled by the incredible love and care I've seen many people take of their elderly.  My situation is perhaps unique in that God has led my husband and I to have a large family, and that I was already worn down by Jeff's illness, and by the fact that I had a baby due in less than a month.  But still, as we analyzed all things, we did not see any other way.  Our family errs a little too much on the side of thinking we are invincible, that we can handle anything.  (If you know us in real life, you are likely laughing at this point.  We have a "sure, I can handle that" mentality.)

Dad drove the 45 minutes to my house.  He can still handle the drive, as he knows the road well and there are only small towns to pass through.  (Truth be told, he still drives really well.  He has great reflexes and has a good intellect which serves him well in crisis situations.)  He's just not too comfortable with city traffic, particularly if he hits construction or detours.  He'd rather meet me at my house and let me drive in the city.

It was a horribly hot and sweaty morning, even though he arrived shortly after 6 a.m.  My Dad is short, only 5 foot tall.  When I hop in his car to drive I have to readjust everything.  I toss his cushion that he uses to lift himself up so that he can see over the dashboard into the backseat.  I push the seat backward, tilt the rearview mirror, strap my very pregnant self in, sweating all the while. 

He struggles with his seatbelt buckle on the passenger side, bursitis makes the necessary movements difficult.  I always reach over without a word an latch the buckle.  He chuckles, embarrassed, but he's really okay with it.  He turns the air on, barely, out of deference for me.  He does not like the air, but knows that I do.  He couldn't possibly crank it high enough for me on this day.

We set out, make it into the heart of downtown traffic.  A woman, perfectly coiffed, races past me.  Angrily, she yells silent words at me and raises her finger in an obscene gesture.

I have no idea what I have done to offend her, but she has no idea of how much her rudeness hurts me on this day.  She has no idea that my heart is already about to explode and I am about to crumble. 

It took awhile, but I have chosen to forgive her for this.  She had no idea.  It is a great lesson that I return to again and again when I am tempted to be angry with some nameless person over a minor grievance.  I have no idea what they are carrying.




Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Caretakers


Along with our own home, we also have a little house that we bought on a sheriff's sale (for $3,500, if you can imagine that.)   We immediately put a new roof on the old place, and Jeff and the boys have gutted it down to the studs and are getting ready to install new plumbing.

Along with that house and the one we live in (which we are also remodeling,) we are caretakers of my parents' two properties.  (That's four places, in case I lost you.)  My parents still live in a small town in the same home in which my father was born; in the house which my great-grandfather built with his own hands in 1914.  They also have a little cabin way out in the hills and hollers; twelve acres of rolling, stretching, wooded land.  My family has owned this particular piece of property since I was 11.  Dad saved up his pennies until he was 53 years of age, then plopped down $18,000 cash for this piece of property.  Dad never made more than $18,000 a year in his life.  Mom was a substitute school teacher making $30 a day when I was in highschool in the eighties.  Frugality bought them a beautiful piece of land that has given and given to our family over the decades.
(I hope I don't make anyone uncomfortable talking prices.  I tell it all for the sake of perspective.  You can buy houses and even land for less than the price of a car.  Also, it's good for the kids to see what hard work and fiscal conservation can do over time.)  :)


My Daddy was a pastor.  This place was our retreat.  No phones, no running water, no indoor bathroom, even.  Just wood heat.  The farm sits inside the rim of an extinct volcano; you can see the outline of the rim by aerial view.  It's a hardscrabble, beautiful place.  We came once a week, Fridays after school.  We mowed, we gardened, we remade the cabin.  We fenced the pasture and gravelled the driveway one bucket at a time.  We seined the pond and restocked it, built the dock and built a deck on the house too.   It was mostly just my Daddy and I doing the work, as my oldest siblings left for college very soon after.  I loved the farm, I hated the farm.  There was always so much work.  I named it NeverRest, and the name still stands.


I've grown up with this land.  I've watched it change and shift over 31 years; and it has shifted.  I notice new species of trees, different mushrooms and bugs, gullies and ravines worn through the hills by spring rains.



  It is an amazing thing to parent the same land over time, to be able to say, "I remember when Dad and I planted these pear trees.  I remember when we grafted in new branches, splicing in the buds and wrapping them with tape."  Now, my children harvest fruit from these trees and I spend late summer days canning pears for us to enjoy this winter.
God is so good to me to let me live this long and share such things with my children.  When I was eleven and twelve and working so hard to clear the land and help my Dad remodel an old cabin, I never knew that one day I'd have nine children who would come back to work with me, to swing on the same old tree that I enjoyed as a kid.  I'm grateful now for the hard work that I was made to do.  It made me very, very tough - and I sure need that with nine children.  I'm no quitter.  :)
I like that they are getting the opportunity to learn to work, too, to do the things they don't necessarily want to do but should.  They are gaining ties to the land, learning to caregive both the people that live there and the land itself. 







Shepherding land is hard work.  Mowing, pruning, mending,



Splicing, sharpening, harvesting, gathering, cutting wood for winter.  The work is never done.   Three seasons wear us thin, pull us into four different places that need maintained.  My parents' places have strong familial value.  We do the best that we can.  By September, we are looking ahead with longing towards the first snowfall, when we can sit with our backs to the fire and enjoy cocoa from the kettle of warm water that is always on the cookstove.  The kids pilfer cookies from Grandma's cookie jar, drive her a little nuts with the chaos, and play legos in the loft bedrooms (you get there by pulling down and unfolding a ladder.)


My parents love this place.  It hurts my heart so much to see them grow older and able to do less around their places, but as long as they can make it down to the country, to their farm, they are content.  Last year when they both had joint replacement surgeries (and my father's hip was broken,) they couldn't come for several months.  They came as soon as they possibly could - and it did them such good.  My Dad will be 87 next month.  I'm not sure what we will do when the day comes that he can't drive himself to his farm any longer.  I think I will have to take him, for sure.





Catfish, bluegill, and bass.  Yum.  :)
We don't fish nearly enough to suit the boys, but hopefully we'll find more time this fall and again in the spring.  I recently saw that Jeff had picked up a pink fishing pole from a garage sale for our little girl.  He must have plans.



My dad has always been a steward, a conservationist, even before it was cool. He devotes specific plots to wildlife, he works to eradicate invasive plant species that threaten the national forest, he loves this land the Lord has let him caretake for a time. He's taught me well in this regard. I love it too.  Although the days are very long and tiring and the work exhausting; I am thankful that our children have the opportunity to experience the land, the work, and the relationships regularly.

*These pictures were taken in the spring by my daughter Emily




Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Toys gone wild...

I always suspected what the dinosaurs were doing after dark....


but I had no idea about the Toucan.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Discerning God's Will for our Lives

From Scot McKnight's Jesus Creed, on the occasion of Dr. John Stott's death earlier this week:  John Stott Remembrances:

It was the summer of 1975. Kris and I were in Belgium at a huge Christian event called EuroFest. I was sitting at a panel discussion and someone I admired, a British pastor and minister to college students all over the world, John Stott, was one of the panelists. A long-haired young man to my right asked John Stott a question we were all facing and that we all face: How can I discern the Lord’s will for my life?
John Stott made an observation that clarified my dream for me, and I’ve pondered his answer over and over in my life. I’ve used his answer in countless talks and conversations. Here are his words as I recall them: “Here’s how to determine God’s will for your life: Go wherever your gifts will be exploited the most.”   





 


My oldest three children attended a Bible study for some time.  They settled in, began to make connections.  As they did so, the leadership did something that seemed curious and counter-intuitive to me.

Rather than observing and allowing the young people to serve as they were gifted,  the leadership placed certain individuals in roles for which they neither felt particularly called nor enjoyed.  One son was kept from serving and worshiping according to his passion (music) - he was not allowed to serve at all, actually.   One girl was placed into a role in which she felt uncomfortable.  The leader felt that he knew better than the kids (and their parents) as to the gifts they carried within. It was a symphony all out of tune, because the kids were not operating according to the things which made their hearts sing.  They were defeated and discouraged, not equipped to serve the Lord.

Now, I share this to say that I agree with Dr. Stott's assessment of determining God's will for ones' life.  (I take his meaning on the word "exploited" to be "used to the fullest."  )   This is how I've home educated over these years.  I'm not raising a herd, I'm raising individuals.  This is why I would never insist that all of my children play the same musical instrument nor follow the same educational course.  As individuals, each one is unique, and each one has been given particular gifts and talents from the Lord.  These gifts and talents are to be used for the furtherance and development of the kingdom of God.

Part of our role as parents is to help our children discover their "bent," their passions.  We are to help them develop their areas of giftedness.  Loving leadership (whether the parent or pastor or Bible study leader) never ties up or restricts a young person from using their gifts in God's service.

  • If the talent lies in computer programming - then program for the glory of God! 
  • If the giftedness shows up in songwriting and strumming, then help that kid find a guitar and let 'em sing!
  • If the passion is revealed thru photography and the written word, let the pictures and the words tell a thousand stories  about the Lord of love.  (That's Emily's photograph above...)
  • If the gifting is a more subtle trait such as compassion or mercy or organization - these may take a bit more insight to discover, but they too are valuable gifts that can be directed into serving God.  We need much more compassion and mercy in this world, and I am not above praying for a child to be organizationally gifted.  :) 
  • Every person, even those who face severe challenges, has a purpose and a gift for his/her family and in the Body of Christ..  

My oldest three stopped attending the Bible study.  They intuitively knew that something was not right.  They knew that there was more, and really, why waste time on something that does not help you become who you are meant to be in Christ?  Youth is the time to grow and develop and use your talents!

Love always empowers, it never belittles nor subsumes.  Love sets people free, it never binds them.  Love builds up.  Love encourages.  Love seeks out the specialty and says, "I see your gift.  How may I help you grow and how may I help equip you for service according to your gifting?"

As parents, there is no greater joy than to see our children walking in God's truth; but there is also deep satisfaction received by watching as they grow and discover the gifted threads God has woven into the very fabric of who they are.  There is great fulfillment in helping them develop their talents, and in coming along side them as they discern where God can use them best.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The mission field is all around us...


The kids and I have spent this week the same way as many other Midwestern small-town families:  we processed corn for freezing.  Yes, I have a corn-cutter, but I don't like to use it.  I'm tired of emergency rooms - the knife seems safer to me, and I'm quite familiar with it.

We are so blessed, and we know this.  A 90-something year old cousin of my mother's just can't stop growin' corn.  He also can't stop giving it away.  Every year I simply guess at his age, but I'm never sure I'm right, so I have given up trying.  I know he's over ninety, and he's generous with his corn.

This year it was only my youngest five at home to help shuck the four large garbage bags full of ears of corn.  My oldest three have jobs in the community.  When our seven year old neighbor girl stopped by to play, we talked her into helping too.  Just  five young ones and me out in the yard, peeling husks from the corn.  (Gabe just isn't any help at all at 9 months of age....)  It's hot, and the silks cling everywhere - but it was nice too.  We talked about a lot of things like school, and how her daddy lost another job, how they don't have enough food to feed their cats (that's okay....we already feed them...), and, well, all of the heavy things on a seven year old heart.

God brings the mission field to us, doesn't he?  Isn't there always someone who needs to see Jesus in us, someone who needs his love - through us?   Is this how you find it, as well?

It seems to me that I can't plan it - it's as natural as can be.  We simply live, and walk, and go about our daily lives, and we look up, and there someone is, needing to see Him, through us.  Physical, financial, emotional, spiritual - there are so many ways that we may help.  If we pray for wisdom, he will let us know what is needed most.  God pours himself into our lives, and we turn right around and pour the overflow right back into the life of another.  There is nothing misappropriated in God's economy.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

On Parenting

Parenting is not 
about rigid ideology.

It's not about being right,
nor a wonderful example at all times
nor a paragon of virtue.

It's not about constructing the perfect home life 
nor even the carefully constructed educational environment.
(I've tried to do both.)
There is no guaranteed method for the efficient mass production of saints. 
 
Parenting is very messy.
(And I don't mean the red food coloring.)

It's not for perfect people.
You're going to mess up.
Everyone does.


Parenting
means you will fail your children,
often.
Honesty demands that you admit it, 
to them.


It's a hard thing,
asking people to follow you 
and to do as you say,
when you are well aware of your weaknesses as well as your strengths.


Sometimes, being a parent means
you will have to say
"Be like me," and at other times,
"Don't be like me."
You'll have to listen close to your Creator to know which one
is the right one for the situation!
It's an awesome, fearsome thing
that He given us to do.
There are times I think,
"Does He really think I can do this?"
Seriously???


Parenting is about being in it for the long haul.
It's all about sticking with the mess,
and loving through the mess.
It's blood, mud, sweat,and tears
and
"I will always love you," 
and
"I'm sorry,"
and
"Will you forgive me?"
and "Let's start all over again."


And for this one? It's all about the Popsicles.